Saturday, May 05, 2007
10:43 AM
Part 7
I switched off the light in my room. Engulfed in the absolute darkness. I wished to have the same kind of feeling as her right now. I realised in complete darkness, the easiest mood one gets... is loneliness. she must be lonely right now, half asleep.
I almost can see a beautiful butterfly, turning to ashes amidst the sea of flame. And that patch behind her neck.. from pink it became red. Then burgundy. Slowly, it swallowed me was it the cause of that can of beer just now?
Suddenly I felt cold and shaky. And that coolness seemed to have come straight from my heart, the rate of my heartbeat was an exponential function of time as it got closer to 1 am.
USE A DIFFERENT NICK!!
checked ..
She isn't there, my heart was beating fast. But the temperature remained below healthy level....
-=~@~=-
Finally its 12 pm, excited as I was, logged on the net, yet there was still no sign of FlyNDance. But there's a mail from her :
Dear slorr,
At first I thought it will be easier for me to settle down in the darkness... recollecting memories we have shared... but all I felt was loneliness...... can you feel it too?...
I still can't change the habit of logging on at 1am... so I used a different nick to sneak into AJCRR... you don't blame me right?... ... you werent there... should I feel glad for your obidience?.... you said both of us belonged to TYPE 2... the foolish type...maybe you are right!... 'cos I really do admire those who dares to fight for their desires... I stroke my hair gently when you said that I am leaving the world... and a few strands of hair fell..... No!... doctor told me its not a terminal disease... and doctor aren't supposed to lie!!?... I still can live like a normal person... BUT CAN I?..
FlyNDance... is it really something I wont be able to do?... After the first meeting with you at Mac... I started to realise that you are not only a virtual being living in the cyberspace... in reality you are strong, gentle and sensitive.... I can feel the defense Wall of my heart is slowly breaking apart.... I am defeated... I tied my hair today.. 'cos my fren told me that I look more attractive this way...
I want you to remember my face as it is today... 'cos after today... everything may change.... But why didn't you ask for my real name? ..thats why I never asked for urs...
I am a girl mah.. ... do you realised how I wish to have something more than a nick to take along with me? ...Slorr... thank you for the DOLCE VITA... finally got a taste of what sweet times are like... but I am really sorry..... I just couldnt bear to say goodbyz.....
since it started from a mail.... it should end with a mail too.... Its been 3 months and 2 days since the very first mail... not a very long time but it isn't short either.... our story began from me... and I will end it..
Maybe its what you said... 'internet is fast and convenient, but it isn't perfect'.... I can send you my thoughts right away... but not my tears... Its about 5.30am now.... time to go.... by the time you receive this mail... I would be trying to settle down somewhere else.... I don't know....Good Bye.
With lotsa love,
FlyNDance
After reading her mail, I felt as if I had just experienced a roller-coaster ride which almost derailed. she had shown me the other side of her, soft and sensitive.
For a couple of months, I was trying to hypnotise myself, to suppress my feelings whenever I started to think about her again. Perpetually I was telling myself, she is just one virtual character that flys and dance in the net, but never in the real world.
I became a fugitive, escaping from my PC, escaping from the internet and anythng that has to do wih coffee. Hide myself behind the piles of lecture notes, behind the crowd of people, trying to get rid of this thought of missing something in life.
But I failed. I found out that its not that I don't miss her, its just that I had forgotten the passion that always comes along when you are having something hanging on your mind all the time. its like I cannot not breathe, its just that I had forgotten the fact that I have been breathing in and out for the past 19 years.
I can hold my breath for a while, but not forever.
I have to find her.
Part 8
"Err... I am looking for ... er..FlyNDance...."
"HUH??..."
'Huh', this is the exact word I was expecting from her.
She seems to be FlyNDance's elder sister, 20++, looked quite a beauty too even without any makeup. But of course, still can't be compared with her. I explained to her my purpose for knocking on the door and told her that I am no stalker whom she might think I am.
Surprisingly when I told her my disgusting nick, Slorr, she appeared to be rather excited and quickly she scribbled something on a small piece of paper and handed it to me.
"You should go and see her. SGH, Room 3-425."
-=~@~=-
This is the first time I've ever stepped into the Singapore General Hospital. It's a dust-free space, everything looked so clean, tidy and arranged.
But I don't like the feeling it gave me... I entered room 3-425, she was there, in a deep sleep. I stood by her, watching.
Her hair was still as long as before, laying across the soft, white pillow...
Her face looked roundish now, I know it's the side-effect of the medicine. And the pinkish-red patch that was on her neck had spread to her face appearing in a shape of a butterfly.
Nevertheless, she was still the most beautiful butterfly I've ever seen.
Her eyelashes twitched slightly, she must be dreaming, what's that in her dream?
McDonald's fries and coke? Sinking Titanic? Or the rain at AMK Ave 6? The room was getting darker as the clock approaches 6pm.
I wanted to switch on the light. I hate to see her lying lonely under the shadow of a patient's room.
But I am worried that her dreams might be disturbed by the sudden light rays. While I was in a dilemma, her eyes opened slowly. Her eyes were wide on me, then she turned away suddenly.
I can only see her back at this moment. She lost weight. After a long time, she turned to face me again, rubbed her eyes and smiled....
"Slorr, you are here!"
"Yes, nice weather today, isn't it?"
"Ya lor, sky also very chio today? Right? Heehee.."
SKY VERY CHIO...
I can still remember this was the conversation we had in one of our AJCRR meetings."
But she didn't realized that it's raining today.
"Slorr, why are you standing there. Sit down."
Thanks for reminding me. I just found out that my legs were numbed due to the several hours of standing.
"Slorr, you lost weight."
ME? I thought I should be the one who's telling this to her!?
"Slorr, you hungry? Had your lunch? Food here isn't so good. That's why patients like me always slim down a bit. Apart from that. It's quite ok. But sometimes I feel really bored without a PC here to talk to you.."
"Slorr, how's your mid-year? Sure did very well right?"
WAIT A MINUTE! You are the one who's lying on bed right now not me! Yet, I had nothing to ask her actually.
Because I was there to see her, not to find out the answers to those questions. Maybe now its the time for me to utter some touching lines like whats in the case of a movie.
But I am not a Romantic person... moreover...
Movies are fiction.
Life isn't.
-=~@~=-
I just wished that she could leave this place as soon as possible back to AMK Ave 6, back to ACJC, back to where she belonged. And I promised she won't be alone anymore, because I will always be there.
After a while, her mum was here to see her. Around the age of 50, slightly overweight. Other than the cheerful smile, she didn't really remind me of FlyNDance.
"Err, I think i've gotta go now. Bye bye auntie."
"You....You..."
She sat up straight in a sudden, like if she'd experienced a tremendous shock.
"I'll be here again tomorrow.. and the day after tomorrow... until you leave this place..."
Before I went back home, I went to Plaza Singapura again to buy that Christian Dior Dolce Vita... and I've got the biggest bottle this time, that she can even swim in it.
I try not to close my eyes that night, I want to go to her as soon as the first sun ray shoots into my room....
Part 9
"Slorr.. you are here.. i've been waiting for you for a long time..."
"Had a good night's rest?..."
"Oh... I didn't allow myself to fall into a deep sleep because I know you won't wake me up when your here."
"Then you should take a rest now."
"Err, since you are here already, I don't think I can..."
I gave her the Dolce Vita, and we'd agreed that we would dance in the rain in front of SGH main entrance the day she's discharged.
I dare not look straight at her, because there's a butterfly on her face. It was only last night before I leave SGH that I found out she's suffering from an illness called ERYSIPELAS. What the clergymen would term the BUTTERFLY DISEASE...
But what I like is the coffee butterfly that is able to dance around freely, not that pinkish-red butterfly that settled on her pale complexion. Moreover, whats a butterfly if it can't fly?
"Slorr, why are you looking at me and not talking?"
I don't know, because I noticed that she's getting weaker physically. I had a bad feeling about this.
"Slorr, I am thirsty, can you get me a drink?"
I am not leaving her at this moment. I can still remember a movie about this guy who went all the way to get red bean soup for his girlfriend who's on sickbed and to find her lying silently on the white bedsheet when he came back... never to wake up again...
"Are you trying to get rid of me, like what's in that movie?"
"Slorr, movie is movie, life is life..."
MOVIE? LIFE?....
"But I thought you just had a drink? Anyway, so what can I get for you?"
"Ultimate Ice Blended!!"
This is a hospital leh!! Did she think I can find Coffee Bean everywhere on this island? Like McDonalds, what's more coffee wasn't suitable for her at that time.
"Err... coffee isn't good for health, order something else, ok?
"So you know coffee isn't good for the body too. Then you should cut down on your intake also, ok?"
I saw her smile appearing and there's a shine in her eyes. I realised that shes just trying to tell me not to drink too much coffee in the future.
My heart seemed to have suffered from a heavy blow.
This is not good. A taste of pH7 has started to fill my nose. If this is not going to stop, tears might be the next thing that appears in front of her.
I recalled the chapter on reservoir and dam in physics textbook. Quickly applied the knowledge on myself. Even if it's just a few droplets.
"Ok, I promise, I'll try my best."
"And try to sleep earlier in the future and don't skip breakfast..."
"It'ss important to you and don't be too obsessed with blue. It makes you look troubled and....."
This didn't sound good. It's like giving the final instructions before she... I can't bear to let her continue.
"Ok ok, I'll go get you a drink right away."
"Slorr, is the machine far away? If it is, then its ok, I don't want it anymore."
From my mental calculation, men would take 67 steps while women would take 85 steps to reach the vending machine right at that corner. Plus the time taken to purchase, average would take a total of 1.8 to 2.1 minutes. Not very far.
"Quite near."
"Slorr, come back quick. I don't want to be alone for too long... I hate that feeling."
I didn't answer her. I just increased my pace....
Part 10
"Eh... its late already... go to sleep..", my mum was nagging at me again.
"Ok ok.... 10 more minutes..."
Until today, FlyNDance had left for more than 2 mths.
I still logged on at 1 am every night, but onto channel DOLCE-VITA which was created by myself, with slorr and FlyNDance being the only 2 nicks inside, for 10 minutes.
Although she won't be able to fly and dance in real life anymore, but I still wish that she could continue to do so in the virtual world.
Even Tye has given up on me...
"She's gone, why are you still doing this? For what?!!"
Yet, even if that's the case, I can't allow her soul to be left at the corner of loneliness. Because she said she hated the feeling of being alone....
I still remember there was a heavy downpour on that day. When I reached SGH, they told me... A coffee butterfly flew away from her room at around 1 am last night....
After that... I can't remember...
I just knew that I stood at the bus-stop for a whole day and I was all wet because of the rain. even my face.
I've been trying hard not to think of her over these 2 months. I've been hoping that her face won't appear in my mind every moment that I breathe, but it's like hoping that the sky isn't blue; the grass isn't green; the stars do not twinkle at night...
Basically, I was hoping for something impossible to happen. I can't believe that I am of Type 2, even in real life.
Did I cry?.. NO WAY!..
I said it before, I am not a romantic person, and this may be due to the deficiency in the hormones that constitutes emotions. Whenever I had the feeling of pH7, I'll browse through those 'FWDS:jokes...' Attention will then be shifted by those dim-wit, low-class jokes...
So now everything is back to the way it was before I met her 9 mths ago.
Tye is still flirting around, and I am still the old decent=dull me. But I've stopped taking coffee and beer.
"Xing ah, is this for you?"
My mum handed me a letter she picked up in the mail box this morning.
I was surprised when I saw 'To:slorr...' written on the envelope.
That's for me I guess. I opened it up, there was a piece of writing inside, and another coffee envelope.
Slorr,
I am FlyNDance's sister, I think this is how you are addressing her. I am sorry that I do not know your real name, although we'd met before.
When I was packing her stuffs a few days ago, I found this letter with your name and address already written on it.
So I posted it to you, because I believe this is what my sister intended to do.
Best wishes,
Xiao Wen
The letter was sent 3 days ago, and there was another:
'To:slorr...'
Followed by my home address written on the coffee envelope. But this handwriting was a lot nicer and the words seemed to be moving swiftly...like in a joyful dance.
I have no time to figure out how she has gotten my home address. Did I give her in one of my mails?
I tried to control my trembling hands, slowly, I opened up the envelope. I found a photo, and a half of a movie ticket inside.
Apart from these, there was a blue letter... with the familiar DOLCE VITA smell on it. The photo showed her, standing on a piece of grassland, wearing the same coffee theme attire on our first meeting at McDonalds.
Something was written at the back of it....
Dear slorr,
Coffee represents Pisces.. that's me. Blue represents Sagitarius.. that's you. A blue letter inside a coffeee envelope.... know what I mean?
Seeing me, do you feel like drinking coffee now? Stop drooling!
FlyNDance
I smiled.... bitterly. The contents of the blue letter is simple:
If I have one more day to live, I want to be your girlfriend. Do I have one more day? No. Too bad. I can't be your girlfriend... not in this life.
If I have wings, I want to fly down from the paradise just to see you. Do I have wings? No. Sadly. I can never see you again.
If all the water are drawn out of the bath-tub, but it still can't put off the flame of love btw us. Can all the water in a bath-tub be drawn off? Can.
So yes. I LOVE YOU.
FlyNDance
My chest was torn apart... tears broke through the dam I constructed a long time go in a jiffy.
As proud, as emotionless as I was, I can't pull back the salty wetness that's on the whole of my face anymore.
She has changed my 'little theory' and gotten back what I'd owed her... tears for 2 months....
-=~@~=-
Titanic has won 11 awards in the Oscar, including best picture.
Yet, Rose wasn't the best actress under that category. So if it's sad in a movie, it may not be so fortunate too in real life. And in reality, should Jack hold on to Rose and 'Never let go?'
Maybe he shouldn't be worried about this. 'Cos that beautiful coffee butterfly will continue to fly and dance in his heart.. forever...'
~THE END~
